


Ask Abby

by ArchangelAzrael



Series: Ask Abby [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Advice Column, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst and Humor, Attempt at Humor, Bad Advice, Betrayal, Bullying, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gossip, Homophobia, Homophobic John, Homophobic Language, Humor, Lies, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Relationship Advice, School Newspaper, Slurs, Some Humor, Suspense, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-02-10 14:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2027928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchangelAzrael/pseuds/ArchangelAzrael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every week a student at Kripke High takes over the Ask Abby advice column for the school newspaper. Shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snickers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hungry? Depressed? Don't know what to do with your existence and need some otherworldly guidance?  
> Eat a Snickers.

A MESSAGE FROM THE GENIUS BEHIND THIS MASTERPIECE:

Ladies and gents, chicks and dicks, welcome to the Ask Abby column! Have any of the latest gossip you’d like to gab about? This is totally not the place! This column of the Kripke High newspaper is where I (at least for now), test out my unlicensed therapeutic skills and give you poor saps some advice! It may be hidden under some layers of icing and jokes, but there is some honestly good info here in here somewhere. This is completely anonymous. My name isn’t even Abby! (Ask Abby is just a very catchy title, don’t ya think?) Anyway, the author of this thing will change every week so you won’t have time to get sick of me, (but I will try my best). You can call me Snickers. Send in your complaints, morons.

Happy Writing,

Snickers

 

 

Dear Abby,

I love this column already! They had this at my last school and I absolutely loved it! I hope you get tons of letters because I can’t wait to read them in the school newspaper! Who knows what dirt I can get on these other girls? It’s like, I just transferred here and I’m already the odd one out. Oh well, at least the guys here are cute and the teachers are nice. The lunch isn’t even that bad.

 

Love,

The Girl Next Door

 

P.S. – I like, completely forgot to ask something! Well, so far I have no complaints about anything, but I could use some info: Is Dean Winchester single?

 

 

Dear Girl Next Door,

Talk about love at first sight! You pack enough excitement for the both of us! Question: Have you tried out for the cheer squad? As long as you keep that peppy attitude and look sexy in a mini skirt, cheerleading should be a breeze for you. That status should also get you in to all of the cool girl cliques this crappy school has to offer. Just wear a couple tons of make-up and some transparent clothing and you should look like them. Not only that, but you’ll also have Dean-o gift wrapped and at your door for Christmas. Which brings me to another question: Are you desperate? That Winchester doesn’t know how to keep it in his pants. Kid’s banged more gongs than Andy Gallagher. Kid’s seen more pussy than that crazy cat lady down the block. Kiddo’s gotten more back than Sir Mix-A-Lot. He’s Bad Luck Brian. If you’re looking for a one night stand though, go right ahead. If you’re looking for an even better one, call me. 981-555-6809

 

Much Love,

Snickers

 

P.S. – It seems that I also forgot to _answer_ your question. The jerk is single, unless he’s with someone with an IQ lower than his.

 

 

Dear Abby (Snickers?),

Hey Snickers, you’re probably not interested in any freshman problems, but I don’t know who else to go to. You see, there’s this party that everyone’s going to, but I heard that you can’t show up without a date. Getting a date isn’t really the problem though. This girl asked me out and she’s really nice and everything, but I’m sort of interested in someone else. He’s a junior and is completely out of my league. My Dad is always hammering into my head that real men aren’t fags and that I should basically be a womanizer like my older brother. But I don’t want to take advantage of women and goddamnit, that guy is just…just… I’ve barely said 10 words to him and I think I’m sorta in love with him. But it’s not like he’d ever reciprocate the feeling, so…I don’t know, maybe I should just go with her? But I don’t want to give her the wrong impression. I also don’t want him to think that I’m not available. ‘Cause I’m not. Not in a relationship, I mean. Oh god, I’ve been rambling, haven’t I? I think I’m having some type of mid-teen crisis! Send help ASAP!

 

Freaking Out,

Moose in Headlights

 

 

Dear Moose,

Are you kidding? Of course I’m concerned about your freshman problems! How else will I get my entertainment doing this boring job for a week? You guys are cute with your friendship bracelets and crushes. Just plain adorable. First of all Moosie, there is nothing wrong with liking that guy, so get that through that silly little head of yours. We were all created equal and all that jazz. I bet this guy is devilishly handsome, funny, fun size, and has amazing taste in desserts. (Not me? Okay.) But seriously, if a pretty girl asks **_you_** out and you have **_doubts_** , something is wrong with that picture. So why don’t you take a chance and create a new picture with that special guy in it? I bet he likes you more than you do. We all have a mid-teen crisis, so don’t get your antlers in a twist. I had mine last week when I couldn’t choose between a Triple Fudge sundae with caramel or a Triple Fudge sundae with fudge. (I chose fudge). Yes, the crisis gets to all in the end.

 

Good Luck,

Snickers

 

P.S. – No offense, but you’re Dad is a great big bag of dicks.

 

 

Dear Snickers,

Do you have a good writing prompt in mind?

 

Sincerely,

Writer’s Block

 

 

Dear Writer,

        These two brothers go across the country and hunt monsters for a living. Vampires, ghosts, demons, the fucking DEVIL, you name it. They fight and fight and along the way they become friends with a couple of angels and some other people like them. The angels help them close the gates of hell and they get rid of all the things that go bump in the night. Everyone is safe, happy, and it’s peaceful.

 

Then everything changes when the fire nation attacks.

 

Keep Writing,

Snickers

 

 

Dear Snickers,

Why is the sky blue?

 

Just ‘Cause,

Nicely Asking

 

 

Dear Mr. Nice,

        The sky is blue because contrary to modern beliefs, God is a female. This means that the sky is her pregnancy test and it turned blue around the time that she decided to create Earth.

 

I have no idea where that came from, but I regret nothing.

 

You Asked For It,

Snickers

 

 

Dear Mr. Snickers,

Will you go out with me?

 

Pretty Please,

Desperate Fangirl

 

 

Dear Desperate Housewife (or Fangirl or Whatever),

If this “going out” business entails me walking you out of this room, then I will gladly slam the door in your face when you do. Becky, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! *shudder* I can feel you breathing on my neck.

 

Leave Me Alone,

Snickers

 

 

My Darling Snickers,

        I’m interested in fucking the brains out of this senior at school but he’s like a saint or something. He’s always quoting from the Bible and talking about abstinence. He’s so nice, it’s sickening. He’s really got a stick up his ass. Correction: A whole tree. But damn, it’s a really fine ass. I wouldn’t mind dipping in a holy Jacuzzi with that sweet slice of Heaven. So what do you say Snick? How do I go about riding that unicorn?

 

XOXO,

Naughty Babysitter

 

 

Dear Naughty,

        If I were as religious as my family, I’d be pulling out some lines from The Exorcism right about now. Luckily, I’m not. But just for good measure, repeat after me: “The power of Christ compels me.” Do you have a fetish or something? Respect the little angel. Check out Christian Mingle if you’re that desperate.

 

X’s But No O’s,

Snickers

 

 

Dear Abby, Snickers… Whatever,

        I am literally in hell right now. My friends did something stupid and they completely threw me under the bus! I’ve been suspended for a week and then I have three weeks of detention when I come back. My parents are going to kill me! How do you suggest I get them back for this?

 

Revengefully,

Devil’s BFF

 

Dear Devil,

        I’m all for just desserts. Meet me at The Roadhouse after school and tell Ellen that she needs a Snickers. The steam streaming from her ears in anger should pinpoint me to your location. Then we discuss tactics. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to know the drunken shmucks that trashed the trophy room, would you? That’s about a month’s worth of ass kissing right there. You guys are amateurs. My bros, Luci, Balthy, and I once completely _destroyed_ some dumb jock that was bullying our little brother, Cas. Lucifer planted cocaine in his locker, Balthazar called the cops, and I left some gay porn at the crime scene to tarnish whatever straight, arrogant pride he had in himself. He called Cas a faggot among other **intelligent** slurs. So we taught him a lesson and expanded his colorful vocabulary. Now he knows the meaning of _“jail”_ and _“don’t you **dare** fucking mess with my family_ ”. But the best thing about it was that we never got caught. Whatever you’re friends did is only hitting the tip of the iceberg, kiddo. If you don’t want the sky to be your limit, you know how to contact me.

 

Seriously,

Snickers

 

 

To: Abby

This is most definitely not my brightest idea, but it is not my proudest moment either. What do you if you hypothetically have developed strong emotions toward a good friend of yours? _Hypothetically speaking._

 

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

 

Dear Little Angel,

        Well, if these “strong emotions” toward your friend are along the same lines as love , then cross the border, mi amigo! If these strong emotions are anger though, you might want to consider what’s wrong with your friend…or what’s wrong with you. This is all hypothetical of course. ;)

 

Go Get ‘Em Bro,

Snickers

 

 

A FINAL MESSAGE FROM THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS ME:

Okay, okay! Enough questions! I understand that your lives suck and I’m the only one that can fulfill them, but all great things must come to an end. Yup, I’m talking about Batman movies. Just let the guy rest in peace. It’s bad enough he doesn’t have any superpowers, but he also seems to have some type of multiple personality disorder considering the number of different actors that played him. Speaking of superpowers, it seems that I’ll have to snap my fingers and disappear because my writing time is up. Word of advice, writing for the newspaper isn’t too bad to cash in as community service.

OTHER ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE:

  1.        Lock the office door to keep Becky out. (Unless you’re Becky. Then you just lock yourself out).
  2.        The donuts here are free. (If you take them when no one’s looking). I recommend the chocolate glaze with extra sprinkles.
  3.        For those idiots that need to be told this, don’t write your actual name down.



 

Later morons,

Snickers


	2. Trucker Cap Yoda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesus take the wheel.

A MESSAGE TO ALL OF Y’ALL:

 

Yeah, I ain’t a student, but that don’t mean that I shouldn’t be able to grant y’all some worthwhile advice. Please keep your cussin’ to a minimum.

 

You Know What to Do,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

P.S. – You damn well know you’ll be found dead if you call me Abby.

 

 

Dearest _Abby_ ,

It’s nice to make your acquaintance, _Abby_. Well _, Abby_ , my problem is that my Dad kicked me out of the house because I wouldn’t show any love to his newest child. You see _Abby_ , my Dad is a pathetic bastard. Mom left us so he decided to become an alcoholic man-whore and have a bunch of different kids with a ton of women. Right now I have eight siblings, counting the one that he brought home last night. I have two jobs that barely support us already, and then he comes home with another fucking kid. I am sick of this _Abby_. It’s not that I don’t love them Abby, because I do, so fucking much, but there’s no way he can take care of all of us. I told him that and he fucking kicked me out! Said that if I wasn’t comfortable enough there, that I could find my own damn place. He misunderstood me. I was just suggesting that maybe this child didn’t need to live with us. Maybe we could put the kid up for adoption! God knows anything would be better than living with us, _Abby_. To think I used to be his favorite.

 

Feeling Lost (Literally),

Devil May Care

 

 

Dear Little Devil,

Damn son, why haven’t you gone to a guidance counselor? Or the police? Why the school newspaper? I’m not sure how much help I can be, since I’m supposed to keep this anonymous, but I’ll try. First off, what your father is doing is wrong. I’m sure that you are aware of this. This is not your fault; you’re just trying to help your family. Speaking of family, my wife and I have been trying to have a kid for the past couple of years, with no luck. She really wants to raise a family, but I just can’t provide that for her physically. Do you know where I’m going with this? It’s not a permanent solution, but if we contact the guidance counselors, your father, and the CPS, I think we can arrange something. No child your age should have so much responsibility on their shoulders. Talk the guidance counselor and mention what I said, she’ll direct you to me—we’re close.

 

Family Don’t End With Blood,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

P.S. – The only reason you ain’t dead where you stand is because I respect what you’re doing for your family. You get a pass for cussin’ this time.

 

 

Dear Yoda,

What makes Doctor Sexy, sexy?

 

Curious,

Sex in the Im—PIE—la

 

 

Dear Im—PIE—la,

The number of young boys that know the answer to that question and have a crush on the man (who isn’t all that great), yet still insist that they don’t watch the show.

 

(It’s also his cowboy boots.)

 

It’s A Guilty Pleasure,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

 

P.S. - Your name isn’t as inconspicuous as you think it is.

 

 

Hey Yoda,

Life-changing manicure you get. True, it is?

 

Kidding, I’m Not,

Snickers

 

 

Dear Snickers,

Who the hell told you that? Was it Sam or Dean Winchester? Tell them I’ll get Dean banned from my salvage yard and Sam banned from the library. I’ll also find some way to keep them from getting into the Roadhouse. See how they like it, spreading rumors like that. Damn idjits.

 

All Lies,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

P.S. – You should work on your Yoda-speech more. It took me a while to decipher what you were asking me.

 

 

Hey, Trucker Cap Yoda!

I’m the new sheriff in town, or rather Queen—Killer Queen. (Get it?) Anyway, do you know anyone besides Sam Winchester that’s into like, techie stuff? I would ask Dean or Castiel, but they’re too occupied with each other. By the way, are they a couple? ‘Cause they are just too super duper close to be just friends but I also heard that the LGBT community isn’t that great over here. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m new in town.

 

Peace, bitches!

Queen of the WWW

 

P.S. – I love your name. Star Wars is love, Star Wars is life.

 

 

Dear Queen,

I said no cussin’ ya idjit! Balls, no one reads the fine print these days. Yeah, if ya lookin’ for one of those hacker geeks, Ash (or Dr. Badass, as he likes to call himself), is your guy. The only reason some of the other kids you know are in the same grade as you is ‘cause he changed their grades in the school’s system. So if you want to get into some tech trouble, you go to him. Damn idjit. As for Destiel over here, Dean still has his head up his ass, so give him some time. You’re correct to assume about the LGBT community, but there are a lot of nice folks here to make up for that. You have nothing to worry about.

 

Good Luck,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

P.S. – So Yoda isn’t from Star Trek? Balls.

 

 

Dear Trucker,

I want to go hunting with my Dad and his friends, but my Mom won’t let me. She says it’s not lady-like. Ugh! She wants me to do girly stuff like wearing make-up and waiting around for some loser to ask me out on a date! I know how to use a gun, but she treats me like a baby! What should I do?

 

Frustratingly,

Daddy’s Little Girl

 

 

Dear Little Girl,

I think you and your mother can reach some type of compromise. Why don’t you try and spend one day with your mother putting on make-up, braiding each other’s hair, or whatever you women do, and then spend a day with your father doing what you want to do? Maybe your mother is just afraid to see her little girl growing up so fast.

 

Hope This Helps,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

 

My Dearest Trucker,

Where do you stash a stolen car?

*Need an answer ASAP darling or all of bloody hell will break loose.*

 

You Can’t See It, But I’m Bashing My Eyelashes Innocently,

Master Thief

 

 

Dear Thief,

Park it in your neighbor’s garage.

 

Don’t Say I Never Helped Ya With Anything,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

 

Dear Yoda,

        What’s the meaning of life?

 

Just ‘Cause,

Nicely Asking

 

 

Dear Nicely Askin’,

        Star Wars, apparently.

 

Ask The Queen of the WWW,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

 

Dear Trucker,

        It’s been about a week and that angel, Castiel, still hasn’t met my advances. What does a hot girl have to do to get a little bite of that fucking mystery meat, huh? He has to be the most fucking heavenly 6 feet of man in this God forsaken place. He’s got that dark sex hair, those untouched pink lips, that sweet ass…and we can’t forget about those eyes, can we? Those innocent baby blues…God, I would love to suck the life out of them. I’m getting all tingly just thinking about it. Why does he have to be such a saint? He’s much taller than his pain in the ass older brother, and you know what they say about tall guys…

 

So I’m asking again, how do I ride that unicorn?

 

XOXO,

Naughty Babysitter

 

 

To: Naughty Babysitter

        Y’all idjits need Jesus or somethin’. No wonder that kid has been walking around here like a scared sheep. You’ve got problems.

 

You Can Keep Your X’s and O’s To Your Own Damn Self, Trucker Cap Yoda

 

 

 

Y’ALL IDJITS NEED HELP.

I am never volunteering to this again. You can damn well make sure of that.

*Remember what I told you “Devil May Care”.*

 

Sincerely,

Trucker Cap Yoda

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will now be considering your suggestions for the next writer. I don't know, when I wrote this my inner Bobby was speaking to me and this came out. Hope you're enjoying this so far!


	3. Master Thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the author attempts to not sound like the lovable Trickster.

A HEARTWARMING MESSAGE TO ALL OF YOU LOVELY BASTARDS:

        I once stole the principal’s desk—while he was still in his office. Don’t think for a second that something similar won’t occur if you threaten me in any way. You’ve been warned.

 

I Think We’ll Get Along Splendidly,

Master Thief

 

P.S. – I may also be giving advice, but don’t get your hopes up.

 

 

Dear Master Thief,

        I’ve been trying to get Dean Winchester to ask me out for like, a while now, but I think he’s like, ignoring me for some reason. I mean, he talks to me, but it’s like once I start flirting or something, he like, just completely shuts down. Is he gay or something? Like, sometimes I think I see him eyeing that guy Balthazar but I could be wrong. Tell me if he’s available, please?!

 

So Confused,

The Girl Next Door

 

 

My Darling Girl,

        First of all, why in God’s name are you interested in that insufferable swine? The preferences of the ladies at this school astound me. As for your inquiries, that dick Winchester is _painfully_ available. It’s a miracle that he was ever _taken_ —well, at least for one night. He most definitely does not show any romantic interest in Balthazar, I can assure you. By the way, who is this Balthazar that you speak so fondly of? He wouldn’t happen to be a tall, well-built, blonde-haired, devilishly handsome man that ironically has the face of an angel and will gladly meet you for dinner at that extremely expensive Italian restaurant across the street at oh, say… 8, this Friday night? Oh, not the guy you had in mind? That’s no problem my dear, you just think about it. Alright, back to business: Is Dean Winchester a homosexual? No, I can’t say that he is. He’s just ass-over-elbows, pierce-the-veil, ride-off-into-the-sunset, gay in love with my sweet, little trench coat-wearing brother, Cassie. No biggie, he’s buried so deep in his closet that he wouldn’t find his way out even if I handed him a flashlight.

 

Have Fun With That,

Master Thief

 

P.S. - Congrats on incorporating more “Like’s” in five sentences yet speaking with a wider vocabulary than Paris Hilton ever did.

 

 

My Master Thief,

        When will I get to ride my unicorn?

 

Losing The Battle,

Naughty Babysitter

 

 

My Darling Babysitter,

        When you stop fucking asking. I can’t read this bloody newspaper without having your thirsty genitals being rubbed in my face and dear God, do they reek. When will you ride your unicorn? You’ve asked that three times now. Good for you.

 

Tired of Your Nasty Shit,

Master Thief

 

 

Dear M. T.,

        Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Just Answer It Bro,

Snickers

 

 

Dear Nice,

        To get as far away from you as possible even at the cost of its life. Spoiler Alert: There’s a slaughterhouse on the other side of the road.

 

Truthfully,

Master Thief

 

 

Dear Thief,

Got any good writing prompts?

 

Sincerely,

Writer’s Block

 

 

My Darling Writer,

        A writer goes around asking people for writing prompts because he’s dealing with writer’s block. But in actuality, he just lacks creativity and initiative.

 

Nothing Personal,

Master Thief

 

 

Dear Master Thief,

        How do you get to that KFC near school?

 

Sort of New to the Neighborhood,

Edward Beats Jacob

 

 

My Darling Edward,

        What you’re going to do is exit through the main entrance and then turn left. Turn left when you reach the curb and then again when you reach the other one. Just keep going left. You might reach your destination in a couple of years if you are man enough to stop someone for proper directions.

 

Good Luck,

Master Thief

 

P.S. – Your name made me vomit in my mouth a little.

 

 

Dear Master Thief,

        Any advice for sneaking out to a party when you’re grounded?

 

Answer ASAP,

M.I. Girl

 

 

My Darling Mission Impossible,

        Well, if _I’m_ the one that’s grounded, then _you_ shouldn’t have any trouble going out.

 

I Love Twisting Words Around,

Master Thief

 

 

Dear Master Thief,

        I asked out that guy that Snickers told me to go far and he said YES! He said that he would love to go to the party with me and that he’s going to pick me up on Saturday! He smiled at me, called me Moosie, gave me a lollipop and—now that I think about it, I think I just asked out Snickers. Oh well, he said YES! Now I’m freaking out though because my brother hates him. But more importantly, I don’t know what I should wear. Should I dress casual or formal? I don’t really have a lot of formal stuff since most of my stuff is handed down from my brother and he lives and breathes plaid. I do have a tie though. Is that good enough? I’m just so nervous about ruining this night and I just really want this guy to like me. I don’t care what my Dad thinks.

 

Help Please,

Moose in Headlights

 

 

My Darling Moose,

        *SERIOUS ANSWER* The identity of Snickers was blaringly obvious so trust me when I tell you this: He’s in love with you. He never shuts up about you and it honestly makes me wish I could smite myself. He’s been around the mulberry bush, but by golly, I have never heard so much blabber about one person. I bet my soul that if we had limited oxygen, he would waste it to talk more about you. I swear to God, if I hear one more comment on how luscious your hair is, I will steal it—with a razor. Wear anything you want, he won’t give a damn. As long as you show up.

 

Don’t Ever Make Me Say Something So Sentimental Again,

Master Thief

 

 

To: Master Thief

        Do you really believe that Dean Winchester is in love with Castiel?

 

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

 

My Darling Little Angel,

        100%. I guess thievery runs in the family, because it seems that you’ve stolen that brainless brawn’s heart.

 

All Of This Unnecessary Fluffiness Is Rotting My Teeth,

Master Thief

 

P.S. – With that sad excuse for a name, you might as well put your real one.

 

 

I’M ON YOUR TEAM…YOU BASTARDS

        You know who you are. I might be back to help patch your lives up into something that somewhat resembles a meaningful existence, but until that unfortunate time, I shall be off. My generous offer still stands, Girl Next Door.

 

Until An Uncertain Date,

Master Thief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sorry if this wasn't as good as you expected or it was a weak chapter. It was my first time writing Balthazar, so I hope you enjoyed it despite that.


	4. The Queen of the WWW Doesn't Eat Snickers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn for the worse in Candyland.

 

I’M BAAAAAAAAAAACK!

        Guess who’s back, back again? Snickers’ back, tell a friend! Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back…

 

Who has two thumbs and just bribed a girl for her spot in the newspaper with the whole Lord of the Rings collection? This guy! Turns out that I acquired extra community service requirements during that last _incident_ , (you know the one with the donkey and the string cheese). To make a story short, I’m back because volunteering for an _actual_ job is boring and unfair. Messing with you shmucks is much more fun.

 

Tootles,

Snickers

 

 

Dear Snickers Bar,

        What’s your favorite flavor of pie? Mine’s cherry. It’s like porn for your fucking tongue.

 

I’m Snickering,

Sex in the Im—PIE—la

 

 

Dear Mr. Sex,

        Oh Dean-o, is that you? I couldn’t quite tell between your comparing pie to porn and that lovely name of yours. You can go fuck a cactus. Give Sammy a kiss for me, will ya?

 

Yours Truly,

Snickers

 

P.S. – No pie quite measures up to the classic taste of apple pie.

 

 

Snickers You Son of a Bitch,

        You help me get revenge and then you rat me out? What the hell was the point of this whole arrangement if you were planning to do that the whole time? What the fuck did I ever do to you? Not only do I have a broken arm and dignity and no friends, but the principal is meeting with my parents tomorrow! I’m so fucking dead.

 

You’re a Dead Man,

Devil’s BFF

 

 

Dear BFF,

        Maybe that’ll teach you to stop seeking revenge and holding grudges. Oh, and not to trust shady people like me.

 

Lovingly,

Snickers

 

P.S. – Your greeting made me laugh. “Son of a bitch” should be my name by now, going by the number of times people have called me that.

 

 

Dear Snickers,

        I’m going to ignore what you just said. I was kinda avoiding a question. Watch me as I avoid it again: Where’s Cas been?

 

Worrying,

Sex in the Im—PIE—la

 

 

Dear Dean-o,

        What do you mean where’s Cas? He’s not at school drooling over you?

 

You're Freaking Me Out and It’s Not Funny,

Snickers

 

 

 

 

Dear Snickers,

        I’m back home. But everything is wrong. I knew what I was signing up for when I did this, but I thought things would go a lot smoother than this, y’know? I didn’t realize that by taking one child away, I’d lose all of them. Uriel, the newest addition to our family that I had suggested for adoption, was given to some very kind folks. But that’s where the good news stops. Dad left, so the CPS took over and destroyed everything. There were just too many kids that I just didn’t have enough money to support. Cas, sweet Castiel, was taken away. It’s all broken now. Mike won’t look at me. Raph won’t stop crying. Little Zach doesn’t have a clue. Balthy ran out the door and he hasn’t come back yet. Anna must have snuck out to a party last night and she wasn’t here this morning. She doesn’t know about it and neither does Gabe and it’s just fucking eating me up inside. Just this afternoon, I told Gabe that he could stay at his friend’s house for the night and he asked to talk to Cas and I had to lie and say that he was at the fucking park or something. It’s terrible, but it could’ve been a lot worse. Today is my twin brother, Michael’s birthday, which obviously means that it’s also mine. We’re 18 years old. We’re legal adults now. Imagine the chaos that would’ve occurred if we weren’t? We don’t qualify for adoption, so we can’t adopt Cas back. Maybe it’s for the best? We’ll always be family, right?

 

How do I ever get my family to forgive me?

 

Losing Hope,

Devil May Care

 

 

You Fucking Devil,

        You fucking bastard! You great big bag of dicks! How could you do this to us! How could betray your own family? We were _fine_! Sure, I practically lived off of the food that the school cafeteria served and we spent our weekends in soup kitchens, but we were fucking _fine._ We were _great_. I barely knew Uriel, but I bet he would’ve grown up just as well as the rest of us! But no, you had to go and **_fuck everything up_**! Who’s left, huh? Balthazar’s gone. Anna’s gone. Cas— _Oh, Cas_ is--

 

 

 

THE CAKE IS A LIE

        Sorry about all that guys. I didn’t read what Gabriel wrote, but it was probably some of the nasty, ridiculous stuff that usually crawls out of his mouth. I was supposed to be the writer for this week, but Gabe offered some Lord of the Rings merch, and like any person with a brain, I took it. Little did I know that the books were full of blank pages, the DVD’s full of Spongebob re-runs, and the posters were displaying stick figures. I feel so used. I’m here to make up for it now, but it seems that he already filled up this week’s column. Oh well, I guess I’ll be back some other time.

 

Later bitches,

The Queen of the WWW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! It's a bit of a short chapter, but I'll make up for it in the next one.


	5. Writer's Block

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some gods just aren't as tough as they're made out to be.

UM…HI?

So apparently I’m in charge of this now.

Oh and it’s Chuck. I mean I’m not **right now** but, _ugh,_ just… don’t hunt me down okay?

Cowering in the Corner With Dignity,

Writer’s Block

 

 

Dear Writer,

                Got any good stories? No offense, but Mr. Singer’s science class was so boring today that he managed to fall asleep while we were watching this movie about plants or something.

Until Next Time,

Brainy Blonde Bombshell

 

 

Dear BBB,

                Mmm…rain check on that?

It’s Too Early in the Morning For This,

Writer’s Block

 

 

My Sweetest Chuck,

                Which is your favorite ship, Sabriel or Destiel?

Love,

Desperate Fangirl

 

P.S. – Sabriel is Sam and Gabe, Destiel is Dean and Cas, and aren’t they all so cute together?!

 

 

Dear Desperate…

                *sigh* Becky…How many times do I have to tell you not to ship people without their permission? I can see it all now: Sam’s bitchface, Cas asking what the hell “shipping” is, you explaining it to him, Dean threatening to break my writing hand, and Gabriel standing there smirking the whole time, his mind calculating some advanced prank that he would pull when I least expected it and all I would hear is his laughter as I slowly die from humiliation— _no thanks._

Stop The Madness,

Writer’s Block

 

P.S.- Sam’s gay? Since when? More importantly, since when is he interested in Gabriel?

 

 

Dear Writer’s Block,

                You don’t really write much, do you?

Seriously,

Nicely Asking

 

 

Dear Mr. Nice Guy,

                Do to. I just don’t feel _inspired_ at the moment. I don’t see _you_ giving me any prompts.

I’m a Writer You Ass,

Writer’s Block

 

 

Dear Writer’s Block,

                Where the hell are the Novaks? I haven’t seen any of them all week. Kripke High feels so empty without them.

Frustrated,

Queen of the WWW

 

 

Dear Queen,

                I’m not entirely sure. I know they’re alive, so that’s good news. I’ve been told not to really say anything, sorry.

It’s OK,

Writer’s Block

 

 

Dear Writer's Block,

                   I've been calling Gabriel the past couple of days, but either he's busy or he's ignoring me. I don't know, is it me? Did I do something wrong? Or is something going on at the Novak's house?

Getting a Little Frantic,

Moose in Headlights

 

 

Dear Moose,

            Woah kid, don't freak out! It's not you! At least, I'm pretty sure it's not you. Huh, so you _are_ with Gabe. Interesting. Tell me, _how_ exactly did that happen? Do you share an unhealty, almost R-rated love of chocolate? Did he bribe you with it? Anyway, I'm sure they're fine and they're just busy and not ignoring you.

From the Bottom of My Fictional Heart,

Writer's Block

 

 

Dear Writer,

                CASTIEL NOVAK SKIPPED A FUCKING GRADE?! I’VE BEEN LUSTING AFTER SOME SMART ASS JUNIOR-TURNED-SENIOR?! He’s gone too far. I feel so…clean. It’s like I’m dirty. I need a bad boy, stat.

Save Me From The Light,

Naughty Babysitter

 

 

Dear Babysitter,

                You finally caught on. Someone give this girl a cookie.

Miracles Happen Everyday,

Writer’s Block

 

P.S. – I recommend Lucifer, Balthazar, or that new guy, Benny.

 

 

Dear Writer’s Block,

                Where’s Gabriel Novak? As soon as he shows his face here again, I’m kicking the candy out of him.

Seething in Fury,

Devil’s BFF

 

 

Dear Devil,

                Classified information.

He’s Not Your Piñata,

Writer’s Block

 

 

Dear W. Block,

                Dude, I tried some of this new stuff that Andy gave me because he said that it would help keep me awake so I could study for tests and stuff and it was _amazing_. I had this weird dream. It was sort of confusing—really quick, different images, but I think I got the overall message: Let him go.

I think I’m psychic or something. It wouldn’t happen to mean anything to you, would it? Interpret any way you want.

Best of Luck,

S.S. Final Destination

 

 

Dear S.S.,

                Um…no, doesn’t ring any bells. Gosh, what did Andy put you on? I’ll put the word out on your “Male Version of ‘Frozen’” message I guess.

Don’t Do Drugs Kids,

Writer’s Block

 

 

Dear Writer’s Block,

                If you don’t tell me where the fuck Cas is, I **will** find you and I **will** beat you to a pulp until I know where he is. My Dad‘s a cop, so don’t doubt for a **second** that I haven’t had him teach me how to use a gun. I **can** and I **wil** l use one if necessary.

Yes, This Most Definitely is a Threat on Your Life,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

 

Dear Sex in the Im-PIE-la,

                Cas is at Mr. Singer’s house. Please don’t kill me. I don’t know where the rest of them are. They won’t return my calls or answer the door.

Please don’t kill me.

I’m Going to Pay For This,

Writer’s Block

 

 

 

I’M A GOD; A COOL, BUT CRUEL GOD.

                I couldn’t be trusted to handle the tangled web of woes that are your lives. So I shall retire back to my original role in society: being a writer. (A far more significant role than those two schmucks Ed and Harry. _Ghostfacers?! Can you get any lamer?)_

So this is most likely my final goodbye as the writer of this column.

To those who don’t believe in my writing skills, I quote Mr. Singer: “Balls.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me, guys. I've been really busy lately and it turns out that Chuck's voice is a bit hard to write so this chapter came out shorter than I wanted it to. But I'm back now and will be updating more consistently. Thanks for reading. :)


	6. The Little Angel That Could

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's favorite little angel returns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI  
> 1\. This is set a couple of weeks after the last entry. Other people wrote for the column, but they were just regular students.  
> 2\. Warning: Homophobic slurs and really upping the angst.

TO: THE STUDENTS OF KRIPKE HIGH SCHOOL

I have returned, though I am not sure if it is of much importance or not. You may ask your questions now. I’ll try my best to answer them and/or help you in any way.

FROM: THE LITTLE ANGEL THAT COULD

 

 

Dear Little Angel,

                Where have you been? It’s been almost a month! It’s been **so** boring: the teachers, the students, the homework, the writers of this column. They even let _Chuck_ write. It got _that_ bad without you here. We all know that the day that kid writes a full length story will be the first sign of the apocalypse. You should’ve seen Dean. I seriously thought he was going to end up in this yearbook as “Most Likely to Murder Someone Over Their Missing Boyfriend.” The Destiel ship was sinking fast. You’re the Princess Leia to his Han Solo! But seriously, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

I’m Waiting,

Queen of the WWW

 

 

To: Queen of the WWW

                I was dealing with what you might call a “family emergency.” There were some serious financial matters in question (which I assume is somewhat taken care of now), and this seemed to result in the adoption of my younger sibling, Uriel. Child Protection Services were also apparently planning to place my brother, Zachariah in child care until our household was financially capable of accommodating all of us, but I offered to leave instead. I was placed in the care of the same people who adopted Uriel: Karen and Robert Singer. They are very nice people. I always liked that teacher.

                As for Dean, I don’t think he’s missed me much. You see, his father is barely ever around so he and his brother, Sam, spend most of their time with Mr. Singer, who is like an adopted father to them. Dean’s been visiting me every day after school and on weekends. Dean’s been very, _very_ pleasant to be with.

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

P.S. - Destiel…I enjoy the sound of that.

 

 

Dear Little Angel,

                Aaaaaaaw!!!! Is Destiel official now? Are you guys a thing now?! I need details!! Please????

Adoringly,

Desperate Fangirl

 

 

To: Desperate Fangirl

                Dean is a man of privacy, though I will disclose that we spent much time watching all things “Star Wars”, which is likely the only reason I understood Queen of the WWW’s reference to Leia and Han. We also ate popcorn and might have done some “manly” cuddling as Dean likes to put it.

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

 

Dear Angel,

                You’re lying on the couch, lanky legs dangling over the arms of the ratty old thing as you groggily watch the small television in front of you. You’re making a lazy attempt at reaching for the remote on the coffee table when the doorbell rings. You freeze for a second, contemplating what few people could be visiting the house.

                “Is Cas here?” A slightly husky voice says and _oh God you recognize that voice; who the hell let that voice in here._

                “Yeah Dean, he’s right over—” You’re scrambling in the basement now, tripping over your own two feet because your new legal guardian who also happened to be your 9th grade science teacher is letting your best friend of 13 years and love of your life of 10 into the house and you just realized that you’re not wearing any pants. Usually this would be fine; you sleep in your boxers whenever you stay at his house, had accidentally seen the other nude on occasion, and had even swam all natural in the kiddie pool when you were toddlers. But these are not usual or even fortunate times because you haven’t seen Dean for a while and now you have the mother of all hard-ons making a tent in your boxers and _where the heck are the those pants?!_

                You just finished buttoning your jeans, _(which when you think about how tight they are, is probably not the best article of clothing for your situation)_ and straightening the collar of your polo shirt when you hear a hurried set of footsteps. You look up to find a pair of green eyes and a wide smile meeting your gaze in the dimly lit room.

                “Hey Cas!” He says, reaching his arms around you. You turn so he’s hugging from your side and you rigidly wrap your arms around yourself like a cocoon. He backs off and gives you an odd look as you sit down and grab a pillow that you quickly _(and hopefully inconspicuously)_ place on your lap.

                “So, what are you doing here?” Dean asked, repeating the action but without the hidden erection.

                “I could ask you the same,” you counter. You try not to notice the way he unconsciously sticks his tongue out a little when he’s concentrating.

                “Yeah, well one of the reasons I’m here is because Bobby’s practically my second Dad,” he says, sighing. “He becomes more like my primary Dad every day.” Then he smiles again. “But I asked you first.”

                “Dean I—can you come back some other time please?” Your heart is beating a million miles a minute, and now that you think about it, that statement doesn’t make any sense, but it seems appropriate considering the proximity between the two of you.

                Dean scoots closer— _Dear God, he’s making it worse._ “Why? Is something wrong?”

                “No, no, it’s just that I don’t think—well, I do, but now is not—what I’m trying to say is—” You’re babbling now. Oh dear goodness, you’re sweating. You’re sweating like a pig and you are aware of the fact that pigs don’t sweat. You’re sweating and vaguely aware that you’re saying something _—probably something stupid—_ and Dean has that insufferably cute grin on his face. You’re pretty sure your dick deflated a long time ago. Why are you so nervous? _Oh, apparently you’re holding my hand now, that’s brilliant. That’s really going to calm me down._ Dean you are infuria—

                Dean Winchester is empty. You know it’s not the most romantic way to describe a kiss, but in this case, it’s the best way. When he puts his heart to it, and not just his physical body, Dean is empty. If he loves something or even more rarely, _someone_ , very much, he will pour everything he is—mind, body, and soul—until there is nothing left but the freedom of choosing you above everything. You can taste it now, as his lips brush gently against your own, as if you are the world’s greatest treasure.

“The other reason I’m here is because I love you Castiel.”

You admit giggling a little under his warm breath as he whispered in your ear:

“How’s that for manly cuddling?”

Taking a Bow,

Writer’s Block

 

P.S. – A day in the life of Destiel.

P.S.S. - Totally Becky’s fault.

P.S.S.S. - What did you think?

 

 

To: Writer’s Block

                I don’t know what to say.

 

                No, really, I can’t help or answer you if you don’t ask a question of some sort.

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

P.S. – My genitals are not that sensitive. I pride myself in my fair amount of self control.

P.S.S. - I do not “babble”. That is not manly cuddling. Also, what happened to Star Wars?

P.S.S.S.-If you must know, I kissed Dean first.

 

 

Dear LATC,

                Should I buy tickets to a One Direction concert or a Justin Beiber one?

They’re Both So Good,

Susan

 

 

To: Susan

                Dean says that One Direction is the wrong direction for you to be heading in and, “Zeppelin, all the way baby.” I personally think you should go with One Direction because I like Selena Gomez and Justin Beiber, her ex-girlfriend broke up with her. She also doesn’t act very lady like.

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

 

My Little Angel,

                Don’t ever change. You’re too hilarious and you’re not even trying, are you?

This is the Only Time I’m Calling You an Angel,

Snickers

 

 

To: Snickers

                I don’t plan on it. And no, I was not trying to be humorous. Why, did I say something that can be interpreted that way?

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

 

-Little Angel That Could-

                More like little faggot that couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Guess who’s back, you runt. You gonna get your brothers to put me in juvie again? I’m practically a regular there now. No, I think you’ve gotten a bit less stupid. Now you have a dick in your mouth keeping you quiet. Huh, Dean Winchester. I used to be good friends with him—a mentor, you might say; I taught him everything that makes him tick. Yes Dean: the macho star quarterback that gets all the ladies. He thinks that by getting in a couple of chicks’ pants and not giving a fuck about school makes him a bad boy. That’s true. Not every guy with a brain and a dick between his legs can pull that off. But he’s made one mistake: You. Dean was straight until he met you and now he’s going to toss away the reputation he’s worked so hard to build up. If I get any trouble from any of you Novaks, Dean’s paying the full price. It would be a shame if that pretty face got ruined…or if his Dad found out about you.

What are you gonna do, sweetheart?

-Hell Sunshine

 

 

To: Hell Sunshine

                Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed your stint in juvenile detention. I hear the weather there is nice this time of year. For starters, I’ll correct your grammar:

*juvenile

*going to

*Castiel

**_Castiel_** , not **faggot** , **runt** , or **sweetheart** _(which you can promptly remove from that last sentence and shove it up ass)._ My name is Castiel Novak and although you may have just heard about it, I have been in love with my best friend, Dean, for years. It may have taken forever, (and I had to make the first move), but it was worth waiting for in the end because right now we are maybe-sort of-kind of boyfriends and I have never been happier.

In fact, this Friday Dean is taking me to TGIF Friday’s as our first proper date. I’ve never been there before. _(I just realized that TGIF stands for Thank God It’s Friday. It already sounds like such a blessed place)_. So you can take your bad boy bullshit and stick it where the sun shines because you know what? You’re right about one thing. I am a mistake. But I am not _Dean’s_ mistake. I am _your_ mistake. If you mess with me, you don’t just get a one on one battle. No, you get me, Novaks, Winchesters, Singers, family, and friends.

And that is a force to be reckoned with.

What are you gonna do now, sweetheart?

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

 

Dear Angel,

                *slow clap*

Speechless,

Dr. Badass

 

 

To: Dr. Badass

                I don’t understand. Do you want me to clap slowly? What for? Is it a reference to my earlier entry? You do realize that emoticons are different in the real world, right?

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

 

Dear Angel,

It’s freezing. I can’t see; I must be blindfolded. My voice is hoarse from screaming for help. I think there are trees. Oak trees. There’s so many of them. They won’t stop hurting me. There’s a sharp pain. I see red. There’s a bright white light. There are tears. I’m drowning. Then there’s nothing.

It’s so cold.

Another vision. ‘Let him go’, ‘cold’ and ‘trees’ are all I got. Do they mean anything to you?

Sincerely,

S.S. Final Destination

 

 

To: S.S. Final Destination

                They are the delusions of someone influenced by drugs.

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

 

Dear Angel That Could,

                Hey Cas, um…not to pop your bubble or anything, but I don’t think Dean’s going to be able to make it to your date. You see, Dean’s been at my house. We made out, we fucked, and we’ve both had a little too much to drink so I think he should stay here and wait out his hangover. I just sent you a text from his phone with my address. It would be really sweet if you took him home in the morning. You understand, right Cas?

Thanks,

The Girl Next Door

 

 

To: The Girl Next Door

                Oh. I understand.


	7. Sex in the Im-PIE-la

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes the stand. All eyes are on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for this super late update to this story. Life has been especially overwhelming these past months and I have not been handling it in a way that is good for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's been a struggle, but I have recently began to gain my motivation for art and writing again and I hope to continue writing this at everyone's convenience.  
> Second, did I say this was going to be fluff? Oops, my hand slipped. :D  
> Third, if you're still reading this, thanks. :)

ONLY ACCEPTING QUESTIONS AND ENTRIES FROM CASTIEL NOVAK

                No, Cas you don’t understand. Please just talk to me, okay? Pick up the phone. Answer my texts. OPEN THE DAMN DOOR.

                It Wasn’t What It Looked Like,

                Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

 

Dear Frick Frack in the Im-PIE-la,

                Oh no, my poor babies! Ah, the angst is killing me! Is my shiP SINKING?! Is my OTP Destiel breaking up?! Tell me it isn’t.

I Can’t,

Desperate Fangirl

 

 

Dear Creepy Fangirl,

                Read the first line I wrote.

                Notice the name I referred to you by.

                Notice how I am restraining myself from saying more.

Please Stop,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

 

My Darling Sex in the Im-PIE-la,

                You just wait, Winchester. You won’t see me coming. Your family, your friends, your reputation, your dignity—you’ll just pull your head out of your arse one day and realize that everything you cherished was stolen from you. And if you damage Cassie anymore than the blubbering mess that he was yesterday driving your sorry ass home, then I may—and don’t take this lightly— _steal your fucking life._

Make Your Move,

Master Thief

 

 

Dear Master Thief,

                Dammit man, I’m innocent! Just get Cas to talk to me. I swear I can fix this.

Please,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

P.S. - Read the first line I wrote…and OBEY IT.

 

 

Dear Im-PIE-la,

                Sooooo…is Castiel Novak available then? Can I get another go at him?

Just Curious,

Cas’ One Night Stand

 

 

Dear Cas’ One Night Stand,

                Oh HELL NO. BACK OFF. I’m pretty sure there is a specific reason that you are a one night stand, April. It could’ve been irreconcilable differences, wrong time, wrong place, or maybe the fact _that you don’t just go around fucking guys you just met._ There’s a little something called dating or small talk, or at least prostitution, Jesus fucking Christ.

You Had Your Turn,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

 

P.S. – As much as I enjoyed this little get together, next time _read the fucking instructions_. IT’S THE FIRST LINE DAMMIT.

 

 

Dear Impala,

                Aw, look at you getting all jealous and flustered. Is it that time of the month?

You Better Fix This,

Daddy’s Little Girl

 

 

Dear Little Girl,

                Well, considering that during their menstrual cycle a female’s hormones become more similar to a male’s, I’m going to go ahead and say that I’m like this 24/7.

Oh, and I will fix this. I might need your help though. Can you, Chuck, and Charlie meet me at my place? Cas is still staying at Bobby’s and they won’t let me in.

Yeah Science Bitch,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

 

Dear Sex in the Im-PIE-la,

                Dean’s gay? Dean _Winchester?_

Confused,

Edward Beats Jacob

 

 

Dear Edward,

                You’re a bit late to the party. I wouldn’t say _gay._

Good- _Bi,_

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

 

Dear D in the Dumbass,

                You are so cliché. What are you going to do next, serenade my little bro with some heavy metal and shit rose petals on his front lawn? What you need to do is get yourself together, grasp whatever dignity you have lying around, and SUCK IT UP. You need to stop broadcasting your love for Cassie all over school because that, mi amigo, is peer pressure. You do not want to try and fix a relationship by pressuring someone because not only does it _not work_ , but it makes _them_ look like the bad guy. (Robin Thicke, anyone?) Now Dean-o, if I really hated you, I would tell you to cry yourself a river and drown in it. Fortunately for you, the times have changed and I have reasons not to hate your face. You can thank Sammykins for that. So I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Something smells fishy and it’s not just the cafeteria’s expired fish tacos. Tell your side of the story and we’ll let the rest play out.

Oh, and I get to take Moosie on a proper date to the carnival this weekend. He hasn’t asked me for anything, but he’s been giving me this puppy eye look that is just so damn hard to refuse and so I thought I’d grow a pair. We had such a great time at that party and well, I just thought I’d be more of a gentleman than you and ask for your blessing—you know, since you’re like the Papa Smurf at home.

I Can’t Believe I’m Doing This,

Snickers

 

P.S. - No one gives a crap about rules, especially coming from a guy called, “Sex in the Im-PIE-la.” Could you be any more obvious? Just quit while you aren’t behind, Dean-o.

P.S.S. - Just write your explanation here. I’ll get Cas to see it and I’ll have something interesting to read during Government class. That substitute, Megatron or whatever his name is, is a _major_ dick.

 

 

Dear Snickers,

                How about you get Cas to listen to my explanation in a private place that _isn’t_ the public high school newspaper?

I’m Full of Bright Ideas Like This One,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

Dear Capital D in the Dumbass,

How about no.

Carry on,

Snickers

 

Dear Gabe the Candy Whore,

                Fine, you can go to the carnival with Sammy, but only because he won’t shut up about you. Thanks to Sam, I know that you both love sour gummy worms and that your kisses taste like—fuck, _I don’t want to know any of this._ We’ll talk details later. You have my blessing or whatever and um…thanks for the advice, Gabriel.

It Was Worth a Shot,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

P.S. - Yeah, I never had Metatron as a sub but I heard he really blows. He can’t be worse than Naomi though, can he?

 

*****FOR CASTIEL NOVAK’S GORGEOUS BLUE EYES ONLY*****

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

If you’re not Cas, the exit is right here. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………No reading. This is private. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

No seriously, get the fuck out of here or I will hunt you down.

If anyone asked, Dean was not freaking out as he parked his Impala in front of the house at the end of the street. Every chill that was making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end pressured him to put the car in reverse and get the hell away from there, but he ignored the feelings of dread and dragged himself off of the familiar leather of the driver’s seat and out on to the driveway. He walks around to the front door and is sweating bullets as he attempts to build the nerve to go through with what he’s about to do. He’s about to chicken out when a little boy opens the door.

                “Daddy?!” The boy asks, his eyes widening like flying saucers looking for a place to land and his mouth hanging open. Dean’s sure his face looks pretty much the same because— _what the fuck?_ He is 99.9% sure he didn’t spawn any offspring in his 18 years of living. Well, there was that one sort of crazy chick— _but he moved away from that town years ago._ He’s just being paranoid.

                “Sorry, he’ll do that to any guy that wears a leather jacket,” a young woman says, picking the now giggling toddler up and into her arms. Dean, like he did with anything that could walk on two legs and buy themselves a drink, checked her out, bottom to top. She was wearing neon green flip-flops, tight sky blue skinny jeans, a pink-ish crop top, and a look on her face that said that he had full access to what was underneath her layers.

                Now, ordinarily Dean would hook on to such a look and reel it in until he got what he was looking for, but there were three problems:

  1.        There was a child present.
  2.        He had a date tonight and there was no way he was fucking things up with Cas.
  3.        He recognized her and he didn’t do rebounds.



 

OK, I’m just going to stop it there because if I let Chuck take the reins on this one, he’ll end up writing my biography and turning it into a cheesy chick flick. (Charlie had a simpler way of helping me explain things, but I don’t think comparing you to Spock will make things better). I’m not really good at this whole relationship thing, but I really, really want this Cas. I thought that I could get my friends to sweeten the deal for me, but I know you, and I know you’d rather hear the whole truth, plain and simple, not in some shitty story that a writer based on a rom-com. (Sorry Chuck, but I’ve seen better from you.)

So here it is. And if you still don’t forgive me, well, just know that I lo-liked you as a friend first. That’s not how these things usually go for me and you’re…you’re the best.

                As you know, about two or three years ago I transferred schools because my Dad was “offered a promotion.” We settled down and Sam and I tried to make friends. What you probably didn’t know is that I was a colossal dick. I mean, you know how everyone sort of hates me because I’m the douchebag that hooks up with all the chicks in the neighborhood and picks fights? Well imagine me doing all of that high.

                Yeah, my head was up in the clouds and I’m sorry for it, I really am. I’ve stopped now, but I was in a dark place back then. It became a game for me. Dad doesn’t come home when he said he would? Sam and Dad are arguing? Guidance counselor asks about the bruises around my neck? Catch myself thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking about my best friend back home? Looks like a great day to get so shitfaced, I can’t tell the difference between my asshole and my mouth.

                The best thing that came out of the whole thing was Lisa Braeden. She was a curvy, smart brunette that could bend in ways I didn’t know were possible. We had one night together- the “best night of my life”-and let me tell you, it was a moment to remember. It was just a fling though. We were a little closer than we were prior to originally meeting, but as soon as it was time to move back home (Dad’s “demotion”), I cut ties and I never heard from her again.

                About three months ago though, I started getting these anonymous texts. They would say things like, _Look behind you_ and _I see you when you’re sleeping_ , y’know stupid crap like that. I didn’t take them seriously until they started getting personal and happened more frequently. They began to say stuff like _Sammy’s such a cutie_ and _You look sexy in those frilly pink panties_ (which is totally a lie by the way. I don’t wear women’s clothes). Naturally, I was freaking out but I didn’t want to whine to anyone about it.

                I started to think of possible suspects and crazy stalkers that knew me. I came up with a believable one: Lisa. I had recently found out that Lisa moved not too far away from where my house is. Lisa…she was a bit attached to me after that one night stand. When I returned here, she wanted to keep in contact and would call me several times a week. Eventually, I just cut her out of my life and never looked back. Now that she was nearby though, I wouldn’t put it past her to take up that obsession again.

                Fact: I went to Lisa’s house. It was only to ask her about the texts. False: I got drunk. I don’t know what the hell I drank, but it knocked me out faster than any alcohol could. (Okay, it might’ve been one shot, but that shit knocked me out cold and damn did it give me a hangover). False: We fucked. NO, NO, NO, NO, INFINITE NO. Cas you’re my best friend, I would never _ever_ betray you like that, even if we aren’t official yet. I asked you out on a date and that is a promise I plan on keeping…if you’ll let me. (Please?)

 

SOME FINAL WORDS FROM YOUR SPONSOR

Who the hell is The Girl Next Door and how did they know that I was heading to Lisa’s house? Lisa doesn’t even go to this school.                

               

               

               

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was such a hard chapter to write. Dean's a tough cookie to crumble!


	8. Ghoooooostfacers!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The musical chapter. Happy Valentine's Day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize to the people who can't tolerate my musical mood. On the bright side, I could've filled this with songs from Rent, but I restrained myself.

AAAAAAWWWWWW YEEEEEEAAAAAHH

GHOST! GHOST FACERS! WE FACE THE GHOSTS WHEN OTHERS WILL NOT, WE’RE—GHOST! GHOSTFACERS!

I am the man with the plan, Ed Zeddmore, as many of you probably already know.

_I am Harry Spengler, team co-leader and demolitions expert, as I know all of you are familiar with._

We will only be accepting questions related to our work.

We’ll Be Awaiting Your Frantic Call,

Ghostfacers!

 

Dear Ghostbusters,

Who let you chuckleheads into the office?

Genuinely Curious,

Snickers

 

Dear Peanut-Caramel Deliciousness,

Yo Mama!

_Oooooooh! Good one, Ed!_

Like he really thought we’d answer that. I’d like to see him survive an apocalypse.

_Ha! That’d be a laugh._

 

Smell Ya Never,

Ghostfacers!

 

Dear Ghostfacers,

So how do you take care of ghosts?

Sincerely,

Nicely Asking

 

Dear Mean Demanding,

Well, it’s all about the techniques of salting and burning, my friend. You see, salt as both a vengeful spirit repellent and tasty condiment was first discovered—

_Ed, I think you might be throwing too much at him too quickly. Not everyone can handle our line of work, y’know?_

Definitely noted, Harry. Okay Nicely Asking….you…pour salt…ghost go Aaaah!

You feel me?

Hope This Helped,

Ghostfacers!

 

Hey Ghostchasers,

I don’t really have a question, I was just laughing my ass off at the thought of you two dorks giving us romantic advice. Ha!

Exclusively,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

Dear Virgin Eating Pie in an Old Man’s Car,

Excuse me? I’ll have you know that I’m single and ready to mingle.

_Yeah, and I’m dating his sister!_

What?

Really? I could’ve sworn you just said—

 

 

*drop the base*

HEY, HEY, HEY IT’S DJ SNICK SNACK HERE TO TALK SOME MOSTLY GHOSTLY SMACK.

WHEN THESE GOONS SHOWED UP, I KNEW I NEEDED TO MAKE A COMEBACK.

IT’S CALLED THREE TIMES THE CHARM AND IT MIGHT GET CUDDLY.

‘CAUSE I’M ONLY ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS WITH SONGS THAT ARE ALL LOVEY DOVEY.

Drop the Mic,

Snickers

 

Dear Sweet Snickers,

Are you serious?

Love,

Moose in Headlights

 

Dear Moosie,

_Close the door_

_Throw the key_

_Don’t wanna be reminded_

_Don’t wanna be seen_

_Don’t wanna be without you_

_My judgement is clouded_

_Like tonight’s sky_

Love Always,

Snickers

 

P.S. - I picked that song because I know that you especially hate how sappy those last two lines are.

Dear Snick,

Got one for me?

Adoringly,

Naughty Babysitter

 

Dear Nasty,

_Sometimes I feel I’ve got to_

_Run away, I’ve got to_

_Get away from the pain you drive into the heart of me_

_The love we share_

_Seems to go nowhere_

_And I’ve lost my light_

_For I toss and turn, I can’t sleep at night_

Lots of Love,

Snickers

 

To: Snickers

So what are your plans for Valentine’s Day? I’m 99.9% sure I’m going to be busy from dawn to dusk, and maybe a bit after.

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

Dear Angel,

_Can you feel the love tonight?_

_The peace the evening brings_

_The world, for once, in perfect harmony_

_With all its living things_

_Can you feel the love tonight?_

_You needn’t look too far_

_Stealing through the night’s uncertainties_

_Love is where they are_

Lots of Love for my Lil Bro,

Snickers

P.S. - I see what you’re implying bro and might I add, I didn’t think you had it in ya. ;)

P.S.S. - I take it your make-up “Please, return to the arms I keep muscular just for you while I sob at the thought of losing you (and possibly getting a life) over dinner” date went well?

P.S.S. - I don’t plan things. I’m spontaneous in my acts of pure romantic genius. Sam’s cool with it—he’s flexible like that.

 

Dear “Snickers”,

So what, you go after freshmen now?

Someone’s Desperate,

The Destroyer

 

Dear Destroyer (Fitting Name by the way),

_I see you driving ‘round town_

_With the girl I love and I’m like,_

_Fuck You!_

_Oo, oo, ooo_

_I guess the change in my pocket_

_Wasn’t enough I’m like,_

_Fuck you!_

_And fuck her too!_

_Said, if I was richer, I’d still be with ya_

_Ha, now ain’t that some shit? (ain’t that some shit?)_

_And although there’s pain in my chest_

_I still wish you the best with a…_

_Fuck you!_

_Oo, oo, ooo_

That About Sums it Up,

Snickers

 

Dear Snickers,

What candy do you prefer to eat on Valentine’s Day? I need to write about an obese character with a candy addiction.

I Feel Like This is Somewhat Offensive on Some Level,

Writer’s Block

 

Dear Blockade,

_Is that why you wanted a love song?_

_‘cause you asked for it_

_‘cause you need one, you see_

_I’m not gonna write you a love song_

_‘cause you tell me it’s make or break in this_

_If you’re on your way_

_I’m not gonna write you to stay_

_If your heart is nowhere in it_

_I don’t want it for a minute_

_Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that there’s a reason to write you a love song today, today_

Cheekily (and lovingly) yours,

Snickers

P.S.- Lindt’s truffles.

 

Dear Valentine’s Day Candy,

Roses are red

My cheeks are too

I gave you this valentine,

Will you help me give one to you know who?

I Suck at This,

Queen of the WWW

 

Dear Queenie,

_You know what to do with that big fat butt_

_Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle_

_Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle_

_Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle_

_Just a little bit of…swing_

You’ve Got Moxie Kid,

Snickers

 

P.S.- No, but seriously, I heard Voldemort likes red velvet cupcakes. J

 

Dear Snickers,

I usually love this holiday, but not even my girlfriend can cheer me up right now. She’s worried about me. I wake up with these terrible nightmares, but Andy says it’s normal, or at least for him it is. The guy’s a nut. But maybe I am too. I keep on seeing the same thing: It’s a cold night and I’m surrounded by trees. My whole body hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I don’t know what to think. What do you think?

This is so Frustrating,

S.S. Final Destination

 

Dear S.S.F.D.,

_Well, I think you’re crazy_

_I think you’re crazy_

_I think you’re crazy_

Not really a love song, but that wasn’t exactly a love note you sent me.

Moving On Then,

Snickers

 

Hey Gabe!

This song describes you perfectly! It’s called, “The Trickster” by The Scientists:

_We’ve been after him for days_

_Trickster_

_And he’s fooled us in so many ways_

_Trickster_

_When you think you’ve got him down_

_And there’s no way he’ll get free_

_Well he’s got many tricks that you haven’t seen yet_

_And he’ll flee_

It is so you! Oh, and “Girls/Girls/Boys” by Panic! At the Disco for Sam. Your boyfriend is cute by the way. ;)

Tons of Love,

Desperate Fangirl

 

Dear Fangirl,

How did you find that song? No one supposed to know about my alter ego, damnit! Oh, and complimenting Sam-I-am while also somewhat implying he’s a girl? I like the way you think. Here’s Dean-o’s song:

_The snow glows white on the mountain tonight_

_Not a footprint to be seen_

_A kingdom of isolation,_

_And it looks like I’m queen_

_The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside_

_Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried!_

_Don’t let them in, don’t let them see_

_Be the good girl you always have to be_

_Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know_

_Well, now they know!_

_Let it go, let it go_

_Can’t hold it back anymore_

_Let it go, let it go_

_Turn away and slam the door!_

God, I hate that song. Which makes it even more right for it to be Dean’s, I guess.

I’ll Humor You,

Snickers

P.S. - I think I’m going to stop with the songs. There comes a time where every Broadway geek needs a break.

 

My Lovely Piece of Snickers,

I’ve just found out some useful information about you and I just thought that I’d take this time to formally and publicly give you one final chance to right your wrongs. You can confess your involvement in our little “incident” and you do the time with me. If you don’t, well, others may have to suffer the consequences.

I Know What You Did Last Summer,

Devil’s BFF

 

Dear Dev,

I change my mind. I need to bring out the big guns. I’m going to Lily Allen this bitch.

_Look inside_

_Look inside your tiny mind_

_Now look a bit harder_

_‘Cause we’re so uninspired, so sick and tired of all the hatred you harbor_

_So you say_

_It’s not okay to be gay_

_Well I think you’re just evil_

_You’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces_

_Your point of view is medieval_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck you very, very much_

_‘Cause we hate what you do_

_And we hate your whole crew_

_So please don’t stay in touch_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck you very, very much_

_‘Cause your words don’t translate_

_And it’s getting quite late_

_So please don’t stay in touch_

Love,

Snickers

 

ALRIGHT, OKAY, UH, ALRIGHT OKAY

PANSEXUALITY ISN’T THE SAME AS GAY

ALRIGHT, OKAY, UH, ALRIGHT OKAY

I’M TERRIBLE AT RHYMING, BUT LUCI SAYS HEY

ALRIGHT, OKAY, UH, ALRIGHT OKAY

I SHOULD REALLY LEAVE BEFORE I OVERWELCOME MY STAY

*drops the mic* - Snickers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs Used:  
> Moments- One Direction  
> Tainted Love- Soft Cell  
> Can You Feel the Love Tonight?- The Lion King  
> Forget You (AKA Fuck You)- Cee Lo Green  
> Love Song- Sara Bareilles  
> Wiggle- Snoop Dogg and Jason Derulo  
> Crazy- Gnarls Barkley  
> The Trickster- We are the Scientists  
> (Mentioned) Girls/Girls/Boys- Panic! at the Disco  
> Let it Go- Frozen  
> Fuck You- Lily Allen


	9. Sympathy For The Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer isn't acting like much of an angel anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason why Lucifer may be a little out of character in this chapter. Don't worry, he'll be more like himself later on (along with an explanation for why he's acting like this).

GOOOOD MOOORNIIING VIETNAAAAAAAAAM!!!!

never forget the eternal f’s: fuck school, fuck this, fuck you, and fuck me. (that last one is for the ladies).

Sympathy for the Devil

 

Dear Devil,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would?

Seriously,

Nicely Asking

 

hey nice,

how many drugs could a drug addict do if a drug addict could do drugs?

fuck off,

Sympathy for the Devil

 

Dear Devil,

That makes no sense, man. What the hell?

Sincerely,

Nicely Asking

 

hey mr. nice guy,

“the hell” is where i’m at.

and a big fuck off to you,

Sympathy for the Devil

 

Dear Dev,

So I’m doing my homework for English class and one of the questions is: What is the meaning of life? I don’t know why the heck they’re asking such philosophical questions in my freshman year of high school, but…well, what do you think?

Toodles,

Brainy Blonde Bombshell

 

hey bbb,

to continuously suffer just when you think everything’s gonna be alright. this ain’t some fucking Disney movie, kid. the meaning of life is to die.

and a big fuck off to you,

Sympathy for the Devil

 

Dear Sympathy for the Devil,

I find that “Fuck me” statement sexist. You should at least let guys fuck you up too, you big jerk.

I Won’t Stand for this Bullshit,

Desperate Fangirl

 

dear desperate (your name’s perfect the way it is),

i like you. i respect girls who voice their opinions when shit hits the fan. i just have one question: if you’re not gonna stand for this bullshit, then will you sit down, sweetie? you’re blocking my view.

and a big fuck off to you too,

Sympathy for the Devil

 

Dear Mr. Rolling Stones,

I don’t know what your problem is, and I’m not sure I even want to find out, but you can’t just take over this thing and post bullshit like that. There are kids as young as thirteen reading this. There are kids who hate what they see in the mirror and some who hurt themselves just to feel something… anything to distract them. So this is for everyone reading this newspaper right now. If you’re like that, have ever been like that—like me—listen up: Life isn’t about suffering and it sure as hell ain’t about death. It’s about being happy, and sometimes you have to struggle to achieve your happiness. But that doesn’t mean that you’re going to spend your life suffering until the day you reach your breaking point. You’re going to keep fighting until the day where you don’t have to anymore. You’ll sleep like a baby. You’ll be glad to see the sun rise for another morning. You’ll smile at the little things and appreciate them that much more. ‘Cause once you touch that light, it never leaves you.

I Promise,

Sex in the Im-PIE-la

 

damn dean,

wow man. I just…damn it. you shouldn’t have done that. I don’t deserve it. I don’t.

just fuck off,

Sympathy for the Devil

 

To: Sympathy for the Devil

Lucifer, are you feeling well? Is the world imploding on you again? Should I stop by? Should I stay over? Should I move back in with you? I can do it. Just give me the word and I’ll be there. In fact, I’m calling you now but you’re not picking up.

From: The Little Angel That Could

 

damn it,

castiel. no. no, no, no, no, no. you’re better off away. just stay away.

fuck all of you,

Sympathy for the Devil

 

My Darling Sympathetic Devil,

If this is what I think it is, you need to build yourself a bridge and fucking cross it, you bloody imbecile.

Think of Us,

Master Thief

 

 

thief,

why don’t u dig yourself a grave and jump in? actually, I’ll probably have to push you considering your taphophobia.

and a big fuck off to you too,

Sympathy for the Devil

 

My Darling Sympathetic Devil,

That was really low. Even for you.

Don’t Push It,

Master Thief

 

thief,

maybe that’s what you should do. who knows, you might bump into mommy down there.

Sympathy for the Devil

 

You Little Devil,

Luci…stop. I can see what you’re doing and it’s not funny. It ain’t gonna work on me either. You’re just having some pissy fit so you can make everyone else feel as screwed up as you. So what if Dear Old Dad kicked you out? You think his words matter anymore than yours? You found your way back home, didn’t you? Dad’s gone. The only evidence of his existence are the occasional Benjamins he leaves in the mailbox. Have you ever even talked to him—had an actual two sided conversation?

Look, I get it. You and Mikey are the oldest and you have no net to catch you if things go from bad to worse, but that isn’t an excuse to start using again. It may be tempting, and it may provide relief, but it’s only temporary, just like our problems.

It gets better, Luci. Just give it time. Just think of us. It’ll get better. I promise.

Worriedly Yours,

Snickers

 

kit kat,

think of us? THINK OF US?! you’ve got to be kidding. this has to be some fucking cosmic joke. are you so full of yourself that you can’t see that all I ever think about are you guys? you wouldn’t be where you are now if it weren’t for me. hell, even mikey would be miserable. everything I do is to benefit you. you don’t get that. I _need_ this, gabe. it’s all I have and as a result, all you have too. i’m not sorry for it.

Sympathy for the Devil

p.s. – it’ll get better? I’m underappreciated, not gay.

 

-Devil-

Is that you, Luci? You’ve aged well since the last time I saw you. Y’know, before I was shipped off to Hell. How’s senior year treating you? Play any good pranks, yet? Mine is going to be quite an impressionable story. It starts off with a double betrayal. A nice young man tells me that my former group of friends were heavily involved with my incarceration. I laugh because it sounds ridiculous, right? Then, I really start to consider just how easy it would be to pull it all off. Asstiel gets a little butthurt and goes crying to his brothers. They get together and decide to trash my life. My fellow delinquent, Lucifer, decides to live up to his namesake by stealing from my stash—because we all know he’d never take from his own—and planting it in my locker. On the other hand, Gabriel, the bastard named after a fucking angel, _does_ go ahead and stuff as much porn from his stash as he can. We all know what kind, of course. Then, Big Bad Balthy does the right thing and calls the cops. Now that sounds crazy, right? Those are just rumors. I mean, seriously, who the hell watches Casa Erotica anymore, huh? Well imagine my surprise when not only do I read how it all went down in this shitty school magazine like it’s the headline on some goddamn newspaper, but I also happen to find his signature.

You’re dead where you stand, Novaks.

-Hell Sunshine

 

sunshine and rainbows,

unless you’re illiterate, you should know that that signature couldn’t belong to anyone else but me. if you could even spell the word “intelligent” correctly, you’d know that this was a one man job. Gabriel and Balthazar had nothing to do with this. you shouldn’t believe everything you read, or everything you hear considering that “friend” you were talking about. I don’t know who you think you are, but if you even breathe the same air as my family…well, I’ll show you the consequences in our jail cell.

and the biggest fuck off to you,

Sympathy for the Devil

 

WE WILL ALWAYS END UP HERE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is going to be coming to an end soon. But I already have the plot of the sequel in the works!  
> Comment a character you really want to see writing for the Kripke High Advice Column!
> 
> Also, did I mention that I have a tumblr account? I'm a lot more active there. You can follow me @ azrael-di-angelo.  
> Hope you liked this chapter! I'm working on getting the motivation to write reguarly again. :)


	10. My Brother's Keeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone has to clean up this mess of a newspaper.

APOLOGIES ON BEHALF OF THE NOVAK FAMILY, REALLY

I’m super sorry that everyone has gotten mixed up in our feuds and drama. Ignore my brother, Lucifer. He’s just in a bad place right now.

Also for a relatively non-LGBTQA+ community, I sure feel like the only straight guy in town. Seriously Castiel, the only person who cares about your boyfriend being Dean Winchester _is_ Dean Winchester.

Don’t take Lucifer’s words to heart, Balthazar. Please. No more fighting.

Anna…

Gabriel, what are you up to? Didn’t you say that you have a date with that kid? What’s his name…Simon? Samuel? Whatever. Just stop taking over this newspaper column. It’s been about three times already. I see you enough at home.

Umm…stay in school. Don’t do drugs. Silence is golden. Use protection…

I’m not good at this.

Where’s Your Twin When You Need Them,

My Brother’s Keeper

  


My Darling Keeper,

You’re right, I shouldn’t take Luci’s words to heart. I SHOULD TAKE THEM TO MY FISTS.

And sure, no more fighting.

Let’s Start a Riot,

Master Thief

  


Balthazar,

I’m going to make this as brief and vague as possible since this is open to the public eye: It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have prevented it and honestly no one would’ve wanted you to. You are loved, Balthy. You have a big family that will always be there for you no matter what you do and that includes Lucifer. It may not look like it right now, but I think he cares the most out of all of us. He’s just going through a rough patch. Trust me, I’m the person who knows the most about him without actually _being_ him. He’s been there to support you in the past, right? Well now he needs us.

Give Him Some Space,

My Brother’s Keeper

  


Finders Keepers,

If you have something to tell me, I’ll be in my room.

Seriously,

M. I. Girl

  


Anna,

I’ll take that into consideration, specifically in the next five minutes. Prepare to minimize any embarrassing websites you have on your computer.

We Don’t Want it to Be Like The Last Time,

My Brother’s Keeper

  


Little Bro Keeps,

What do you do when you actually _really_ like someone for their personality before noticing their physical appearance or any sexual attraction between the two of you?

Answer Please,

Naughty Babysitter

  


Meg,

You date them, or at least give them a chance. Take it slow. Get to know each other.

Though that could be the reason why there aren’t any significant ladies in my life… that or the fact that I’m just not interested. I haven’t had a squish, crush, or whatever you call it in forever.

TMI Right,

My Brother’s Keeper

  


P.S. - You could also try not sexing up the poor guy in the newspaper. Seriously, Cas? To make this short: Do you need glasses? No offense but he has to be the skinniest nerd I know, to use the term loosely. The only reason you could classify him as a nerd is because he jumped a grade, but even with that information, what kind of nerd hasn't seen Star Wars or Star Trek or both? Not this guy, that's for sure. And that holy stuff you kept going on about? You're going to need someone to hold you down for all those exorcisms you seem dying to have, which requires someone with upper body strength. Which Castiel Novak does not have. At all. Just saying. Just making that clear for you. *

*All insults made against the Novak family in this week's Ask Abby column have no association with Michael Novak. What happens in the Ask Abby column, stays at least 100 yards away from Michael Novak. Thank you for your consideration and lack of fists aimed at Michael Novak.

  


Keeper,

I’m sorry for what I said about your brother. Gabriel is an okay guy, it’s just that I kind of want to stuff him in the trunk of my Dad’s SUV and drive him off a cliff y’know? No hard feelings, right buddy?

Nothing Personal,

Devil’s BFF

  


Hey Dick,

I’m sorry for any negative comment that I didn’t make about you before. You’re a mediocre guy, it’s just that I really want to shove your head into the flat parking lot otherwise known as your ass and drive it into your esophagus, y’know? But no hard feelings, right pal? :)

Totally Not Personal,

My Brother’s Keeper

  


My Bro’s Keeper,

The sass levels of the Novak family are off the charts! By the way, did I ever mention that the Valentine’s cupcake plan didn’t really pan out like I thought it would? The cupcake was for Gilda, but it turned out that she was on some special diet. That and she just didn’t feel the same way I did. She doesn’t care about gender, but she tends to lean towards guys instead of girls. Oh well, her loss, right? Anyway after that rejection, I found out that Jo _loves_ red velvet cupcakes and she’s a big fan of Star Trek! (It’s not Star Wars, but nobody is perfect). I think something might blossom between us. That, or I’ll just have a new friend—she rocks. So what do you think? Should I make a move in the semester to come?

I’m Walking On Sunshine,

Queen of the WWW

  


Charlie,

In the words of—I shit you not—Ed Zeddmore in the boy’s locker room, “Gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day.” Do with that what you will.

Comedy Gold,

My Brother’s Keeper

  


Mr. Keeper,

How do you know the identity of every person on this advice column?

Curious,

Nicely Asking

  


N.A.,

Well _Garth_ , I’d say half of the people writing in this column are related to me in some way. The other half consists of friends of friends. All of the others are obvious or lucky guesses.

I’ve Always Wanted to be a Detective,

My Brother’s Keeper

  


P.S. – 1. You’re the most civilized person here. 2. You only ever ask questions because you’re the only one who seems to remember that this is an advice column. 3. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or it’s an unconscious thing, but whenever you ask someone a question, you always tell them that you’re asking nicely. I don’t know man, “Garth” just seemed like the only answer.

  


Bro Keeper,

Please don't be such a dick and just listen to me: Something bad is going to happen. I don't know when or where or to who, but I feel like it's going to be soon. From the climate of these visions, I can pinpoint the location to be somewhere in the area, specifically with a lot of trees, like a forest. I feel so helpless about this and I know it's real but no one will listen to me. It's frustrating. This could be life or death, man. Just...spread the word, alright?

Freaking the Hell Out as Usual,

S.S. Final Destination

  


Kevin,

I've heard a lot about you and this delusion you seem to be obsessed with. I honestly feel sorry for you, so as a form of respect to your obvious drug use and possible mental breakdown, I will indeed spread the word. Your concern for the safety of others is at least admirable.

Get Better,

My Brother's Keeper

P.S. - Sixth Sense Final Destination? Is that your username?

P.S.S.- And because I'm “such a dick,” here are the faces behind the dumb usernames I've seen on here and haven't yet revealed. At least, the ones I recognize and know won't kill me if I do this:

The Little Angel That Could- Castiel

Snickers- Gabriel

Master Thief- Balthazar

Devil May Care- Lucifer

Sympathy for the Devil- also Luci

Mission Impossible Girl (really?) - Anna

Writer's Block- Chuck

Trucker Cap Yoda- Mr. Singer

Daddy's Little Girl- Jo

Dr. Badass (I personally would've called you Tech Support)- Ash

Cas' One Night Stand (Ew. Change your name. You dated him for like a day)- April

Desperate Fangirl- Becky

Edward Beats Jacob- That new guy on the football team, am I right? I don't do sports or school spirit, sooo….

Ghostfacers (just...why?)- Ed and Harry

Brainy Blonde Bombshell – Freshman. Blonde. Who knows?

Hell Sunshine (what is up with all of the satanic names? I mean I understand where Lucifer's coming from but this is overkill) – Alastair

Girl Next Door- ??? I could've sworn it was Lisa, but that's been debunked.

I feel like I'm forgetting someone, but that's all I've got. Ciao for now, fellow school prisoners.

BE CAREFUL. DON'T DIE.*

*Minho, “The Maze Runner”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The person he forgot was Devil's BFF (Adam). He was just calling him a dick, not referring to Dick Roman.  
> Also Brainy Blonde Bombshell = Jess and Edward Beats Jacob = Benny.  
> As you can see he also intentionally left out the Winchesters. More reveals to come. :)


	11. Moose in Headlights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's his time to shine...

SO GET THIS:

I'm in charge of the advice column now! I'd like to thank my handsome older brother, Dean, for shaping me into the bitch I am today, my sexy Gabe babe for dating me, and of course, the academy.

ROCK ON, DUDES!

Moose in Headlights

***** ** EDIT*** THAT IS  _ NOT  _ ME. I REPEAT:  _ NOT ME _ .  I would  _ never _ say that I thank Gabriel for dating me, I would say that I thank him for existing. 

So Get This,

_I'm_ Moose in Headlights

P.S. - Oh yeah, that and everything else. Wouldn't say that. Just FYI.

P.S.S.- I'd reveal my identity and all, but I like living, and I wouldn't get to continue doing that if my Dad ever read this. (Not that he could even remember what grade I'm in, but I have to be cautious).

  


Heya Moose!

My friend, Chuck and I are going to be watching a movie on Netflix at my place and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on what to watch? I'd usually ask your brother, Dean, because he's the pop culture guru, but I recently realized that I don't talk to you all that much and I thought that you deserve a more welcoming atmosphere from the juniors and seniors! (I hope I'm not coming on here too strong. I'm working on toning my personality down a bit). Anyway, I'm going to this advice column to choose for us before he comes over because if we don't have a small selection of movies picked out in advance, we're going to spend an entire hour trying to agree on something to watch. So Chuck likes sci-fi, comics and horror, I like romance and thrillers. What do you recommend? Preference to anything with Robin Williams or Johnny Depp in it because they're our favorite actors, but not required.

Thanks,

Desperate Fangirl

  


Dear Fan,

No, you're not coming on too strong. Although my brother's a senior, most of his friends are seniors, and I'm dating a junior who has siblings that are sophomores and freshmen, so I think I'm pretty well stocked when it comes to connections in higher grades! Thanks for thinking of me anyway. You're pretty cool.

As for movies, my brother's into action and westerns so that's mostly what I've seen, but I'll try my best. Here are my top recommendations in no particular order:

1\. Kingsman: The Secret Service- This would probably satisfy you more than Chuck, but I had to put this on the list. It's got almost everything. There's ruthless action, cool gadgets that could count as sci-fi if you squint hard enough, subtle romance (and a ship between the main character and his mentor. I know you're into that kind of stuff), plenty of comedic scenes, and—the best part in my opinion—an actual friendship between a male and a female that doesn't turn into romance. Think of it as a cross between Men in Black and James Bond except the women are actual characters and not just love interests for the male protagonist.

Ok, now my fingers and brain are tired from typing that whole thing so I'm going to make this quick:

2\. X Men: First Class- Sci-Fi. Check. Action. Check. Romance. Check. Mutants. Check.

3\. Pretty much any Robin Williams or Johnny Depp movie. It's not like it's going to be bad.

4\. Watchmen- Based on the greatest comic book ever made. Technically not even supposed to be able to be made into a movie, but this was a good attempt. I would kill for this to be a tv show. Brutal action. Adult themes. Sci-fi. Some comedy at times. Whole lot of romance. Badass protagonist that you'll feel very conflicted with: Should I hug him or run away? Ignore what happens to him at the end. I highly recommend reading the comic first. Though the movie has its perks. Don't expect a happy ending.

Good luck!

I'm Still Not Over Rorschach,

Moose in Headlights

  


Babe in Headlights,

You don't think I'm sexy? How else will I make it in this cold, lonely world? My smokin' looks are all I have!

My Modeling Career is in Shambles,

Snickers

  


Snickerdoodle,

I don't think you're sexy

I don't think you're beautiful

I don't think you're pretty

Because people tell me I should…

Remind me to never write a poem again. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

You Get The Point,

Moose in Headlights

  


P.S.- Can't wait to see Avengers: Age of Ultron with you tonight. You're picking me up, rig--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will bring some clarity to the brevity and ending of this chapter and add some new questions to the story as this fanfic comes to a close.  
> Final chapter will be posted no later than Sunday.


	12. Incident Report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...before the light disappears again.

Campbell Precinct

POLICE REPORT

Case No: 52    

Date: 4/26

Officer(s) on the Scene: John Winchester

Report By: Samuel Campbell

Incident: Arson, possible attempted murder under investigation. Two victims.

Detail of Event: House was covered in flames by the time reinforcements arrived. Officer Winchester ran in against direct orders not to. He later came back out empty-handed, in emotional distress, and in need of medical attention. After quick surveillance of the surrounding area, the victims, two teen boys, were found in some bushes on the side of the house. By then the house's flames were almost out. One boy was unresponsive until resuscitated by a medic. He has since then been identified as Samuel Winchester, Officer Winchester's younger son. Injuries include smoke inhalation, possible loss of oxygen to the brain, two broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a broken leg. It is likely that he jumped from the second story bathroom window in order to save himself. The other boy was unconscious, but responsive. He may have been trying to catch the other as he jumped, but was instead knocked unconscious. It is very likely that he has a concussion, but otherwise injuries are minor. He has yet to be identified.

Actions Taken: Officer Winchester has requested an indefinite leave, effective immediately. Both teens were taken to the ER, with Samuel Winchester being in critical condition.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus ends the first installment of the Ask Abby series. Hope you liked it. :)

**Author's Note:**

> I wonder who the writer of this column was? But the real question is: Who's next? ;)


End file.
